Gonzo Timz

Big Sis Develops New Tool in War on Terror

WASHINGTON — U. S. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced new measures today in response to the story of a Georgia man allegedly smuggling a gun into a jail cell using his rectum.

The suspect, a 22-year-old man named Michael Ward who was wanted for murder, was stopped on Highway 17 in North Carolina for speeding shortly before being booked into Onslow County Jail. The case gained national attention after it was uncovered that Ward underwent a strip search – including the standard “squat and cough” procedure — and nothing was found. Yet hours later, a .38 caliber revolver — with a 6-inch barrel — was discovered in the toilet in his cell. 

“We cannot afford to put our first responders at such risk, when violent offenders could be smuggling dangerous weapons in their rectums,” said Ms. Napolitano. “That’s why I’m proud to announce a new component to our VIPR program; FANG. FANG will give us the tools we need to prevent anyone from smuggling anything in their rectum ever again.”

VIPR — which stands for “Visible Intermodal Prevention and Response” — is a program directed by the Transportation Security Administration under the authority of Ms. Napolitano’s administration. The aim of VIPR is to “augment the security of any mode of transportation at any location within the United States.”

According to a graphic, 98-page full color pamphlet distributed by DHS and TSA officials to accompany the announcement, FANG is an acronym for “Forceful Anal Nonsexual information Gathering.” It is described as a new mandate by TSA whereby citizens will be randomly selected to have the contents of their colons inspected at surprise check-points throughout the nation. The actual process is intended to be minimally invasive, and in some cases pleasurable. The program is to be funded by the more than $400,000 collected in loose change at TSA agents at airports in 2011.

“The idea behind FANG is simple; suspected terrorists and other high-risk segments of the population like returning veterans will be ordered to bend over, pull down their pants and spread their buttocks, allowing TSA officials to clear the cavity of any potential weapons. This will make America safer,” said Ms. Napolitano, “and the American people should be thanking the TSA agents for volunteering for this job, which, quite frankly, stinks.

“We chose to call the program FANG because it complemented the snake metaphor we already had going with VIPR,” explained Ms. Napolitano. “Snakes are bad-ass, and everyone at DHS all got denim jackets with ‘FANG’ and ‘VIPR’ patches.” Ms. Napolitano closed her remarks by saying, “I mean, c’mon, what’s a viper without fangs,” before bellowing a maniacal cackle.

Jobless American Turns to Moonlighting as Van Seat

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Burt Loafer and his family have been waiting months for the “recovery” politicians have promised time and again, and his patience is wearing thin. His unemployment benefits long exhausted, he has been forced to get creative to provide for his family.

“When my benefits ran out, I stopped looking for jobs just in manufacturing and figured I’d take anything,” said the 49-year-old former General Motors Assembly Plant shift supervisor. “I just needed a job. But there weren’t any.”

That’s when Loafer began heading to his local Home Depot each morning, looking for carpentry work as a day-laborer. It was there that Loafer met Phillip Vessel, a 61-year-old retired school teacher.

“Bessey is a good van,” said Vessel, referring to his 1976 Ford Econoline Van, “but she was missing a bucket seat, and I had to transport my grand-niece’s softball team to a game.” That’s where Loafer came in. For $11 a trip, Vessel pays Loafer to ferry passengers as a “part-time van seat.”

“Sure, I could just buy a new seat on eBay or get one out of the junk-yard,” said Vessel, “but I like to help my community.”

And Loafer is thankful to be back to work. “It’s not my dream job,” said Loafer, “but it gets me out the door in the morning. If I keep at it, maybe I can work my way up to being a seat in a Beamer or something. Have some rich chick ride around in my lap all day queefing perfume. That’d rock.”

Cannonball Dive by O’Donnell Causes Cruise Liner to Capsize

PORTO SANTO STEFANO, Italy — A cruise liner carrying 4,234 people was caused to capsize on Friday by a rare,  localized Tsunami in the Tyrrhenian Sea. The 290-meter long Costa Concordia, sailing off the island of Giglio, was impacted by the sudden, 40-foot wave late Friday evening. 

Seismologists in Rome were stumped as to the source of the rogue wave, that is until it was learned that the American actress Rosie O’Donnell was vacationing at a resort on Corsica known for the tradition of having guests jump off the end of a long pier. The apparent displacement of such a volume of water was so great that the effects were felt hundreds of kilometers away. The Italian government has asked Ms. O’Donnell to refrain from aquatics for the remainder of her holiday.

Standard & Poor’s downgrades ratings of Nine EU nations

VERSAILLES, France — French President Nicolas Sarkozy responded to a report that Standard & Poor’s was downgrading his country’s triple-A credit rating with a prolonged release, during which time he aimed his unflinching gaze squarely at a nearby photographer’s lens.

The announcement, which came on Friday the 13th, has sent tremors not only through world financial markets, but also through the French head of state’s bowels. Mr. Sarkozy’s aides said the President’s short term plans in reaction to the measure included sipping club soda and taking a mistress. 

Foodmaker’s Share Value Plummets with Paula Deen’s

Announcement that she has Type 2 Diabetes

SAVANNAH, Ga. — Kraft Foods (NYSE: KFT), maker of such brands as Velveeta, Cheez Whiz, Miracle Whip and Shake ’n Bake, saw it’s stock price lose 37 percent of its value today in heavy trading on the heels of an announcement by the popular television chef Paula Deen that she is living with Type 2 Diabetes.

Deen, 64, is known for her down-home style of cooking which makes heavy use of lard, butter, oil and salt.

A Kraft official, who spoke with GonzoTimz on the condition of anonymity, said “This is a heavy blow to our sales in the South, where Deen’s consumption of Kraft Easymac accounts for 46 percent of total sales in the region.”

Watch Ms. Deen make “Chocolate Gooey Butter” cookies here.

Beck puts ‘sensitivity’ money where his ‘mouth’ is with

announcementof Alternative Lifestyle-themed network

SAN FRANCISCO — Glenn Beck was recently declared a “Content Titan” by making the The Hollywood Reporter’s list of “THR’s 2012 Digital Power 50.” What does the newly minted digital-dynamo plan to do with this increase in clout? He’s going to go after the one segment of the public with which he feels he has failed to connect. 

No, it’s not minorities or young people, it’s “The Gays,” as Mr. Beck put so succinctly in a recent interview from his new LGBTV headquarters, nestled deep within the glittery blocks of San Francisco’s Castro district. Filling out every inch of a tightly-cut purple velour jumper, Mr. Beck looked every bit the part of a man ready to expand his brand into the Gay market. 

“I’m a sensitive man,” he paused, drew a breath before continuing, “and a serious journalist. I will do anything I can to help America, and this, I truly believe, is what America needs right now more than anything,” Beck said.

When asked how he felt he would be received by the Gay Community, Mr. Beck responded “with limp wrists,” before turning red-faced in a fit of giggles. “My word …” he continued between breaths, “This is an under-served segment of the population, and some of my critics have even said nasty things like that I hate gay people or something. Can you believe that?

“Me? The most sensitive man in TV? I hold the records both for number of times crying on air and duration of tears once they begin. If that doesn’t scream ‘sensitive,’ what does?” 

Mr. Beck was then asked how far he was willing to go to prove his commitment to the LGBT Cdommunity and he immediately replied “As far as it takes. You want me to kiss a guy to prove it?

“I’ve been waiting all my life for this chance. As long as he loves America, I can find a way to love him.” 

The interview ended abruptly at that point as an excited Mr. Beck ‘threw his back out’ and burst into tears.

Vows to ‘Buckle Down’ and Focus on Economy and is ‘Real Sorry’

WASHINGTON — President Obama will not be able to come out and play for the next three weeks, according to a press release from the Whitehouse. 

The announcement cites the reason for his domestic internment as his inability to furnish a receipt at the request of Mrs. Obama for the Limited Edition Nike Air Jordans he has been wearing around the Oval Office as of late. 

The President had promised the First Lady that he would get approval for all purchases over $25 after an incident last month where he had “made it rain” at several undisclosed locations. He broke that promise last week when he put 22-inch rims on the First Limousine without Michelle’s permission, which prompted her to freeze his accounts. 

Sources close to the investigation have been left to speculate that there are only two possible ways that the shoes, which cost upwards of $150, could have come into his possession; they were either a gift from lobbyists or they are ‘hot.’

Critics of the shop-lifting theory are quick to point out that it would be very difficult for the President to enter a ‘Foot Locker’ without attracting attention, while other experts cite the possibility that he may have been involved in a recent string of flash mobs at D.C.-area malls. 

The First Lady has assigned nearly three dozen of her staff members to scour social media sites for images posted by teens involved in the flash mobs, which were reportedly organized on Blackberry Messenger and Twitter. So far, her exhausted staffers have come up empty handed, except for a possible lead surrounding a person tagged as “B-Rock” in several photos who bears an “eerie” resemblance to Mr. Obama.

The President however is adamant that he simply “misplaced” the receipt. He also added that he “needs” the shoes because with them comes “street cred,” adding, “When I wear them, I feel like I can do anything.” 

“It’s his own fault!” exclaimed a frustrated First Lady when reached for comment while on a spontaneous trip to Virginia Target store. “If he hadn’t bitch-slapped the Secret Service Agent that scuffed his ‘kicks,’ I might not have even noticed them.”

Gingrich Admitted to Hospital 

WASHINGTON — Press Secretary Jay Carney phoned The American People Thursday and promised a full investigation into a video that depicts four top U.S. politicians urinating on the bloodied corpse of the American Economy. 

The video, which has been removed from YouTube due to public outcry, shows what appears to be President Barrack Obama, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney huddled around the dead body of the American Economy. The men are heard to be snickering and giggling as they relieve themselves, apparently finding humor in the act. Governor Romney was particularly ruthless with the remnants of the manufacturing sector, seeming to direct his powerful stream — of what has been dubbed by the media as “anger pee” — directly at that region of the corpse. 

Another noteworthy moment came when Former Speaker Gingrich appears to lose his balance midway through the clip, at which point an annoyed President Obama can be heard to say “Jesus Newt. That smells like garlic. Do you know how much these shoes cost?” Newt is heard to respond with a pained and muffled groan before the video went black amid more laughter. 

“This is an outrage,” said Joe Piper, a 43-year-old plumber from Xenia, Ohio. “How could they have let this be filmed.

“If they are going to participate in this type of depravity, they should at least do it behind closed doors.”

Not all of the public reaction was negative, however, as some viewers saw a glimmer of hope in the clip, which was viewed hundreds of thousands of times online before its removal. “I’m not happy about the peeing, but it’s nice to see bi-partisan effort every once in a while,” said Shurlby Winthrope, an 54-year-old undecided voter from Denmark, S.C.